Slick Speaks Out

 

Short Story Humor

Rating: G

 

             All right.  I’ve had it.  It’s time to set the record straight.  Give credit where credit is due, I say.  So here it is, the truth in a nutshell.  The world as you know it has narrowly avoided disaster five hundred forty-three times in the past year alone.  You, of course, remain blissfully unaware of these averted tragedies only because of our tireless, diligent, and—I might add—unrewarded efforts on your behalf.  We have saved this world time and time again, allowing you to enjoy your innocent lives when you should be cowering on your knees in a state of perpetual terror.  The time has come to acknowledge our role in the world’s continued existence.  Although it’s a debt of gratitude you can never hope to repay, a simple “thank you” to the folks at T.O.P. should suffice for now.  That’s right.  T.O.P.  Trolls on Patrol.

             You’re sniggering.

No doubt, you’ve heard that story about the ogre guarding his bridge, who was identified as a troll by three nearsighted billy goats.  Big mistake.  For one thing, we look nothing alike, being far more handsome in appearance than ogres.  In the second place, guard duties are always carried out by inferior species.  Trolls deal only with matters of global consequences.  Inaccurate renditions such as these have tarnished the good reputations of trolls everywhere.  We have been slandered long enough.  I say it’s time to correct some errors.

             The dwarfs who saved Snow White?  Nuh-uh.  Trolls, all seven of them, born in the Year of Personality Traits, except Doc, who was born in the Year of Great Occupations, like my sister Plumber.  The elves who work for Santa?  Ha!  They’d freeze their pointy little ears off.  Anyone in the North Pole knows if you want a toy made right, you send for a troll, and if well-made toys didn’t exist, the world would suffer a major economic crash a hundred times worse than that paltry period you call “The Great Depression.”

             I recognize that look.  You’ve decided your world’s alternate realities exist only in the realm of imagination, so you belittle our accomplishments in that area.  I want you to know, however, that the news articles of the Brothers Grimm were considered the height of journalistic achievement before people with limited minds relegated them to fiction.

T.O.P. is just as active in what you like to call “the real world.”  For proof, I offer you the Statue of Liberty.  It stands today, thanks to the loyal care of Pickle Juice and his partner, Potato Lump, both born in the Year of Food Fragments.  These two trolls protected the brave lady from the hurricane that decimated the Spire of Freedom and the First Lighthouse of the American Colonies.  Of course, you’ve never heard of them.  You do understand the word “decimated,” don’t you?

             I myself served as George Washington’s personal bodyguard.  Because of my vigilance, the first American President survived the Revolutionary War, several assassination attempts unrecorded by history, and an attack by wild dogs.

             Meteorite Six Hundred Sixty-Six would have smashed the Coliseum of Rome if one of Pickle Juice’s contemporaries, Onion Peel, hadn’t redirected it to Arizona.  Well, how do you think the Grand Canyon got there?

             I admit we’re not always successful.  We lost the city of Atlantis.  We arrived too late to prevent the assassination of Abraham Lincoln.  We’re still not sure where Amelia Earhart disappeared to.  What can you expect of an organization that’s overworked and underpaid?  Most of us haven’t taken vacation time in centuries.

             T.O.P. is also famous for its involvement in charitable causes.  We constructed Stonehenge to assist a group of druids who were studying astronomy and the nature of time.  Copies of the druids’ notes were later handed over to Albert Einstein and Stephen Hawking.  We helped Gutzom Burglom build Mount Rushmore and only with great difficulty, managed to dissuade him from adding one of our faces to the memorial

             Take it from me, Slick as a Whistle, born in the Year of Popular Clichés.  You people owe us more than you can possibly imagine.  Now that you understand T.O.P.’s importance, I know you’ll all want to express your appreciation.  So let’s hear it.  Three cheers for Trolls on Patrol!  Ready?

             You’re sniggering again.  ¤

 

 

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